We are all just prisoners here, of our own device

We are all just prisoners here, of our own device

When you live on the beach, like we do, in the summer month’s your home feels more like a hotel.  Over the years, Marc and I have had a lot of fun joking about the “hotel we run”.  First we made brochures.  Then we put room numbers on the guest doors.  Then we purchased signage to place in the rooms saying stuff like “we are not responsible for lost or stolen items” and “we provide our guests with a smoke free environment.”  We have even gone so far as to obtain a gmail account related to “our hotel name.”  Alex used to be the proprietor of the establishment, but now Lucy is taking over.  Thanks to her daddy, one of our upcoming guests received this email… 


Feeling Beachie - flagHello Mr. and Mrs. Cousin,
Thank you for your recent reservations at the Atlantic Beach Hotel Resort.  As a valued customer, we appreciate choosing us again.
As you may know, we have gone thru some major renovations due to hurricane Sandy.  As a result, we now offer our guests a better experience but must alert you on some minor changes:
1.    Our rates must increase by 4%, minimal request for a such a beautiful hotel experience.
2.    Elimination of free beverages. We have installed vending machines throughout the hotel.  We recommend bring your own.
3.    Elimination of air conditioning, we have installed fans in the rooms and windows that open. We recommend dress loosely.
4.    Bathroom toilets only flush 3 times a day and have a smaller throughput.  Larger output will require manual removal.
5.    Showers no longer spray water, a new dripping mechanism has been installed.  We recommend limited showers and use of ocean.
6.    2 Person King Size room has been changed to 4 Person King Size room.  If you don’t have 2 other people, we will assign 2 for your convenience.
7.    Bathroom toilet paper has been replaced with recyclable wax paper.  We recommend not wiping.
8.    Elimination of bathroom towels.  We provided each room with War and Peace hardcover book, we recommend sitting around until you dry.
9.    Elimination of hotel vehicle.  We have purchased roller skates and helmets for your convenience.
10.    Bedroom sheets and pillows will no longer be cleaned after visitors depart.  Each room now has larger windows.  We recommend shaking out sheets before each sleep.  If you detect any dirty spots or stains, we have provided “white out” for your convenience.
If any of these items cause any inconvenience, we are truly sorry and hoe you understand that we must cut back where we can so we can continue to provide our guests with the best experience possible.
Thank You
Lucilea Alexis Grossman
How I get involved in this stuff, I don't know...
How I get involved in this stuff, I don’t know…

42 thoughts on “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device

    1. Sometimes – oh, you sure know what we go through – disney, the beach… It is so much fun having so many house guests, but it does get tiring…

  1. 11. Elimination of hotel light switches: We no longer trust you not to give LIPA the hotel’s hard earned money. As such, when you walk into any of our newly renovated rooms, please note the “illumination” device located on the right bedside table….matches are available down the street at the Deli.

    1. Corey – LOVE it! How did we miss that one. I hate LIPA! Did Marc tell you what he did? He changed all our bulbs to these high, high efficiency, low wattage bulbs so the house is bright and the electricity use is minimal – take that LIPA!

    1. Beth Ann – Lucy just yelled out “oh crap!” she can’t believe she forgot the basics like that… UGH!

  2. this was so funny I almost snorted coffee through my nose!! LOVED IT!!!

    I have to ask you, did you REALLY get rid of air conditioning?

    Lucy has the sweetest little face, EVER!

    1. caren – hee hee hee – Sorry about the coffee – no, we really didn’t get rid of the AC, although we did have to replace the unit as ours was destroyed by sandy.

    1. Brian – now that is one place where there will be NO cutbacks – a girl needs her three litter boxes. Anything less is totally unacceptable! xoxo Lucy

    1. Lost in space – thanks! He is one funny guy my husband. Our cousin’s died laughing when they got this email – happy ICLW~!

  3. Her name is quite the mouthful – good thing she goes by Lucy!!! 🙂 I’m sure your guests appreciate the confirmation before they arrive for their vacation!

  4. Dear Miss Lucy,

    Does your establishment provide room service? I have certain dietary restrictions that must be met (cheeseburgers and beer only).

    Your pal, Pip

    1. Pip – well, the help has an attitude, but if I put in a good word for you (which I will) I am sure that they can make sure all your needs are met. But may I recommend wine to go with your cheeseburger? It is better for your heart, you know… xoxo Lucy

  5. HA! — I’m a Canadian who lives under freezing snow more than half the year — THAT doesn’t scare me away from a beach front stay at all! LOL
    I got a sleeping bag – I’ll still come! heehee

    1. Rorybore – see, that is how I know you are a true friend. If these rules don’t scare you, you are welcome! Don’t worry about the sunscreen, we have plenty!

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