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I’m leaving, on a jet plane….

I’m leaving, on a jet plane….

The firsts are always the hardest after a loss

 

As my husband, Marc, and I prepared for our trip to Salt Lake City, Utah and Napa, California it just didn’t feel right.  Our carry-on’s sat on the floor, as we slowly packed, but no cat climbed on top of them.  We didn’t have to make arrangements for someone to come in and feed our little boy.  Nor did we have to plan ahead and leave out cans of food, with detailed instructions, because we are anal and obsessive.….

 

All we had to do is pack and go. 

 

We went through the motions. 

 

I’d lie and say we weren’t excited to get away and spend some quality time with friends.  But we did have a heavy heart, which we tried to ignore.  We did a good job of it… well, that is until the very end….

 

The bags sat the front door as we waited for the car to pick us up and take us to the airport. Marc and I looked silently at each other, and around the empty house.  We both were flooded with memories of past trips. Us going upstairs to kiss Alex one more time before leaving… Alex turning is head away from us as we did, trying to make sure that we knew that he was angry at us for abandoning him…. Us calling out “goodbye sweet boy…. See you soon little guy….”

 

We both cried.

 

Marc headed upstairs to change his pants, and I went outside.  I was deep in thought.  Tears were still coming.  My reverie was broken when Mike, our favorite security guard approached the house to pick up the food that we were giving him.  “Are you lost?” he asked.

 

“What?” I questioned, caught off guard.

 

“You looked a million miles away.  Lost…  You look like lost your best friend or something.”

 

I looked up and gave him a half smile.  “In a lot of ways, I did….”

I miss you alex...

56 thoughts on “I’m leaving, on a jet plane….

  1. Big hugs to you and Marc. It is so hard when they aren’t there. It just hurts so much. We understand, that is for sure.
    Have a good week. Get that kitchen done.

    1. Marg – thanks… It really is so hard.. we knew it would be, but we didn’t realize it would be this rough… we are having a very difficult time… The kitchen is a good distraction, and little by little we are getting there, although the major work doesn’t start for another few weeks.

    1. Brian – I know you do…. I have said it so many times, but the support and love from you guys made a huge differnce… And every time I see the alex heart with gracie, I smile wide – I (and I know he) feels the love…

  2. It’ll get easier remembering. One day you’ll have a smile on your face remembering Alex used to sit on your bags. We still look back fondly and talk about my parents German Shepard… Sweetheart used to have to drive him around the block a few times before he would get out of our car so we could go home!!! xoxo

    1. Susi – I know you are right… I just hope that happens soon 🙁 Your parents german shepard sounds so cute… I can just picture sweetheart :)!

    1. Random – I know… but you nailed it… When the moment is unexpected it is really hard – I basically know my emotional triggers, but sometimes a strange thing sets me off…

  3. ((((hugs)))) I am crying….this touched my heart so deeply. We miss Alex too and wish we could help ease the pain. The bottom photo, while adorable, tore me apart.

    Even the most simple acts can evoke so much pain.
    all of our love……..

    1. Caren – I am sorry to make you cry…. Really I am – although I cried when I wrote it… The last picture is a hard one to look at – if you notice it is an old one – he still had his tail….

  4. (((Hilary)))

    I often think that I actually might take a trip when the boys pass, if I outlive them, but I imagine it would be more heartbreak than fun, fun, fun.

    It’s actually taken a full year and a half to really move on from Annie’s passing, even though I still think of her daily, so give yourself the time and space you need.

    -Kim

    1. Kim – a year and a half… you poor thing… I am so sorry… I wouldn’t be suprised if it takes us that long though either. it is so difficult, especially when the connection is so deep… I think that the biggest part with me and marc is it was always the three of us… and now it just feels off…. hugs

  5. I’m so sorry for the loss of your boy. I lost my dear cat a while back and for the longest time I would still think i saw him lying in his favorite places. It fades with time, but it never disappears.

    Hugs.

    (ICLW)

  6. Of course it was horribly hard to pack and know that you would not have Alex sitting on your suitcases (or more likely IN your suitcases). Every “first” will continue to be that—a first but hopefully with time the tears will flow a little less and your heart will hurt a little less. Holding you both in my heart as you continue to miss the little guy.

    1. Beth Ann – thank you so much sweetie… I am sure next time we travel it will be easier, but we will always get a twinge… It is funny, I dont think alex ever went in our suitcases but he always went on them – and one time he really went on them – if you know what I mean 😉

    1. Old kitty – sorry for the leaky eyes – i seem to have that effect when I write about alex lately – I have to start sharing some happier stories… He was a love and will always be missed….

  7. So sad for you and Marc but Alex is probably thinking, have a good trip. I will always have someone take care of me where I am now. My thoughts have always been with you both.

    1. Mom – thanks… I know you are right… Alex always knew we made arrangements when we traveled – and now he has permenant care givers and friends at the ready

  8. Hillary
    I can’t tell you how many times I think of your sweet boy.
    I understand your feelings and you know they hit you at the strangest of times.
    There is simply no easy way, no magic pill, no magic button that will make any of different.
    We all miss Alex too and tears are coming down my face looking at him on your suitcases.
    ((hugs))

    1. Abby – thank you so much for such a sweet comment – I actually read it to marc….It makes me feel so much better to know that others, like you, also miss him. He was a very special boy who was very loved… I wish there was a magic button that we could press (But i wish there was a button for a lot of other things too) but I know that the sadness we feel is just proof of how much we loved that little guy.. hugs back…

  9. Yeah, all those little things will come to light occasionally. Always tug at the heart, but you take a deep breath and move on. I hope you enjoy your trip! Well deserved! It’ll feel good to get away!

    1. Irene – thanks.. the trip was great, and it was wonderful to get away – it did help to get out of the house for a while… I know that little things will always come up and be a trigger (in my head) but my heart never expects them…

  10. Hi from ICLW,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Pets are part of our families and living without your precious Alex is, I am sure, very difficult. Sending you virtual ((hugs))

    1. Annalee – thanks so much for the virtual hugs – sending you some back! Pets are a huge part of our lives and their love touches us deeply… happy ICLW!

    1. April – I am sure you are right… There will be many more memories – hopefully more happy then sad… Time will help, I know….

  11. Oh Hillary,

    I’m sooooo sorry to hear about Alex. I know the pain well of losing a beloved pet, and I’m thinking of you guys. Thanks so much for your kind comment on my blog about all my drama. I’ve been terrible about reading and commenting, but I had to come check in on you after reading your comment, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m going to go hug my “babies” now and be happy I have them!

    1. Janet – I understand what you have been going through, and you have been on my mind… thank you so much for your kind words too… All loss is hard… Please give your furbabies big hugs from me too…

  12. My dog, Scooby, passed away last December. We got him from a shelter when he was about 2, and he was part of our family for 12 years.

    Geez, I’m tearing up just typing this.

    I know how you feel.

    1. Lynn – I am so sorry about Scooby… and sorry that I made you tear up. It is so difficult to lose a pet…. They are such a big part of our lives and hearts…

    1. Rykers Boyz ‘n’ Allie – I would gladly accept your cuddles and purrs.. they would so help! We are actually having dinner tonight with a friend who just got a new puppy.. I am so excited for a little furbaby love!!!! You can say “this loss stuff SUCKS” again – and again!

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